Hi,
Though I am not 100% subscribed to writer's school of thought in the article below, I still find it very thought provoking with a high element of truth in it that is why I thought I should share it with you. It is almost as if the writer read all the myriads of thoughts and questions in my minds and heart and decided to answer them based on his own experiences. The fact that a school of thought we strongly believe in or follow is a traditional, cultural or religious belief system that has been in our families for generations doesn't necessarily make that school of thought right. This is why it is important we don't blindly adhere to any belief system especially since deep down in our heart and from the day we were born till now we have always known what is RIGHT from what is WRONG. No matter how we try to redefine right and wrong so we don't feel bad when we are doing the wrong thing, RIGHT IS RIGHT and WRONG IS WRONG and our conscience knows that too. My flesh wants to do WRONG at all times but my Spirit is only interested in the RIGHT thing. It is only in the constant renewing of my mind with God's word, love and wisdom that I will be able to tell the difference and not allow my flesh (which is really like the clothes I wear and my ticket on this earth) rule over my spirit (which is the REAL ME!!!)This is something I am learning more and more and it gets better as the days go by.


Also, the article below is very much in line with a question that has been raging in my heart for ages: 'If I had absolutely nothing to gain from loving my loved ones, family and friends (Let us not even start talking about those that hate me - my enemies, can't stand me or those I just get to meet for the first time), WILL I STILL LOVE THEM?!!! This I believe is a very good question and if honestly answered will show us the state of our hearts.


The Saying is true that 'who you are and what you do when nobody is looking is the REAL YOU and let us not forget that no-one (not even our spouse) can see or tell 100% the motives in your heart (even if the person claims to have psychic powers). We can only interprete people's motive by their actions or our perception of them but yet, it doesn't mean that our interpretation is right. This is why it is not good to Judge people since you can't see their heart. It is only GOD that SEES and KNOWS all. We may deceive people by our personality, even deceive ourselves, but we can't deceive the ONE who sees our hearts, motives and Character (The REAL YOU!!!). I have learn't this about me the hard way (I've learnt to be REAL and HONEST with myself about EVERYTHING) and to tell you the truth, I have found out that it is a very liberating experience when you stop trying to assume what someone else is thinking (especially about you) or trying to interprete other people's actions or motives. It is better I first of all take out the log of wood in my own eyes before I see the speck in my brothers. The only person I can CHANGE or CONTROL is guess.... ME!!! and I have been instructed in God's word to love others as I love myself. I guess the problem has always been what we define LOVE to be. Because of the LIES and the perversion of the TRUTH I tend to see all around me on a daily basis and how close I have been to being deceived, I have made it my life's purpose not only to seek the TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH but to allow the TRUTH find its roots in my heart and LIVE IT so that I will not be tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine or be easily deceived by the deception and the cunning craftiness of the enemy or of man-made laws and tradition that usually elevates one man or race over another (We are all EQUAL in God's eyes and God loves EVERYONE: even the ones that don't believe in God or are seeking for LOVE in all the wrong places. It is only 'MAN' that sees 'Color of skin').


I find the article below challenging and very thought provoking and just thought I should share it with you as a FOOD FOR THOUGHT. If you'll like to leave a comment regarding the article maybe sharing based on your own life experience and how God is helping you in your own love walk, click on the link below and drop your comment after the article.
http://eskoredem.blogspot.com/


We can learn from each other and we learn something new everyday. WISDOM is indeed profitable to direct and in our journey of life, we will never stop learning unless we choose not to. The day we stop learning it the day we stopped existing in this earth (I believe that phenomenon is called DEATH)


LOVE YOU and KEEP THE FIRE OF LOVE BURNING!!!
(hmm... I have nothing to gain from sending this article to you so I must love you right?). What you FREELY RECEIVE, FREELY GIVE!!!

Love Always,
Eskor

PS
I have always known that the word 'LOVE' is a relative word and has so many different definition (Some of these definitions are outright scary especially where love is define to be a feeling or an emotion). But I really love the quote below that describes true love.

Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means - Leo Buscaglia.

I STRONGLY believe that this is possible but not something we can do based on our own human intelligence, physical strength or technical know how. It is only as a direct consequence of downloading and installing the never-ending/unconditional love your heavenly father has towards you (John 3:16) and reflecting that same love, life and LIGHT without any form of reservation and also take out the notion or belief that we can CHANGE other people (That is not our job and if someone doesn't want to change, there is nothing you can do to make him or her change unless you resolve to using controlling and manipulative techniques and these are things we do unconsciously especially within religious context). In Psalm 63:3(NLT) David stated that God's UNFAILING LOVE is better than LIFE ITSELF. That could have only come based on his personal experience and revelation of the Love of the FATHER and I know without reservations that this is true. Please read when you have the chance and I'm pretty sure the article below will make you think too.


http://dyske.com/index.php?view_id=827

Love, Friendship, and Dependency

The people who claim that they love you, are often the same people who take it out on you when they are in a bad mood. And, you think, “Out of billions of people in the world, why do they have to choose someone they love?” I suppose in some ways it makes sense, because it can be argued that they love you because they can take it out on you. If someone gave me $1,000 dollars every month for no reason, I suppose I would “love” him. If someone picked up every piece of trash I threw up in the air, I would “love” that person too. Why not? The problem is the use of the word “love” in these situations. What we immediately think of when we hear that word is the kind of love that is selfless, i.e., disinterested love. The use of the word “love” in such situations as the above has nothing to do with this. I would use the word, “dependency”. It just so happens that in English the same word is used for both. The confusion stems from the fact that outward appearances of both are hardly distinguishable.

For instance, parents are often scared of the pain of losing their children, which drives them to be over-protective. Consequently, they make parental decisions that are not necessarily good for their children. This fear can easily reach a point of paranoia where children are not allowed to do anything on their own. They would rather ease their own paranoia than do what is right for their children. They see this to be love, because outwardly there is not much difference between this and truly caring about their children.

When we are young, we tend to see friendship as a form of support system, because we are still insecure and fearful of life. And, we are not satisfied with just having a support system; we also want to secure it. We want some sort of assurance that it will be there forever. We are thus very much interested in verifying the degrees of commitment, sincerity, and trust by testing the limits of our friendships, which in turn puts undue stress on them. For this reason, friendships of our youth tend to be emotionally tumultuous.

If you love or care about someone, you naturally would want to offer help when he is in need. Offering help, in this sense, is a consequence of your psychological state. Someone who has a naive notion of friendship reverses this process and sees this as the cause of friendship. He thus believes that friends are made by offering help, and that friendship is defined by the means of helping each other.

What may not be immediately obvious is that this support system is rewarding in both directions: when we help others and when others help us. Naturally, having someone who is willing and capable of helping you makes you feel secure, but having someone who needs you can also make you feel secure existentially. If he needs you, it is less likely that he would leave you. And, if he needs you, it means that your existence has a meaning. In order to feel better about your own existence, you need other people who need you. In this sense, what often appears to be a selfless, unconditional deed has hidden selfish motives. In order to feel good about ourselves, we often help others who should not be helped, thereby perpetuating the very problem that causes them to suffer: the sense of helplessness.

Thus, a naive friendship of this nature is a system of codependence. For this reason, needy people tend to attract each other, like drug addicts. It is no coincidence that heroin junkies insist on sharing needles even if clean needles are available to them. Testing their loyalty to each other is just as rewarding to them as the artificial sense of security the drug can offer. Codependent people become preoccupied with defining the word “friend”. It cannot just be someone whose presence they enjoy; he must be defined as a “friend”. How many people they can call “friends” becomes a piece of knowledge that gives them a sense of security and confidence, like collecting trophies.

Among a codependent group of people, the members become very vocal about how they would do anything for each other. “He is my best friend, and I would do anything for him.” Be that as it may; some people are capable of doing “anything” for total strangers too, as witnessed by certain heroic incidents like the crash of Air Florida Flight 90 in 1982 in which Arland D. Williams, Jr., on the verge of drowning into the icy water, repeatedly offered the rescue line from the helicopter to others, which resulted in his own death. Such unconditional deed of love has nothing to do with defining someone to be one’s own “friend”.

If you are only capable of having codependent relationships, you become scared of others who do not need anything from you, because you have no way of feeling any confidence in that relationship. If they don’t need you, you can’t feel good about yourself. You feel like you don’t exist in their eyes, like you are a disposable camera. You desperately try to find something you can help them with. You deliberately look for problems in them. Naturally everyone has problems, but whether they want to share them with you is a separate issue. Everyone has his or her own ways of dealing with their problems. But you insist that they share them with you in order for you to feel secure about that relationship. Thus, you measure the value of a friend based on how helpful you can be to him as well as how helpful he can be to you. A “friend”, in this sense, becomes a mere drug for your own ego; something to make you feel good about yourself with. You cannot fathom how someone could be a friend if he doesn’t need you and if you don’t need him.

This invites all sorts of misunderstandings in friendships because every friendship, in this case, is an unspoken contract of codependency. I agree to help you with this, so you agree to help me with that. This contract allows both of them to feel better about themselves, but naturally, no such contract could be clearly communicated. Thus, discrepancies in expectations are unavoidable, which often jeopardizes the contract. And, if you cannot afford to lose that contract of support, you try to salvage it desperately. You get hurt in the process, which makes you want to never speak to him again, and vice versa.

People who build friendships without any dependencies do not have these problems. There are no commitments, contracts, or expectations. To a codependent person, such a friendship seems shallow, because there is no drug-value in it, because it does not make his ego feel better or secure. He might ask: “What’s the point?”

All of the arguments above apply to the concept of family as well. Family functions are rarely organized for the sheer desire of the members to see each other. It is more likely to be motivated by the sense of obligation as a member of the support system. The limits of your commitment to your family are constantly tested by the various members of your family in the form of family functions. Some people go as far as to force you to accept help from them, to be indebted against your will. They do things you did not ask for, and claim that you owe them one.

In a friendship or a family relationship based on dependency, you become blind to the true nature of who your friend or family member is, because needs come before everything else. It is analogous to the way alcoholics are incapable of truly enjoying a glass of fine wine. In order to truly enjoy anything in life, you cannot be attached to it. If you cannot understand a relationship without mutual need for help, you have not experienced the true beauty of human relationship. And, I know how sad and lonely that feels, because I have been there myself.